In a place with abundant rainfall and snowpack, with a water system fed by gravity, the City of Porkland has elected "leaders" time after time who manage to screw up management of the resource, when they aren't engaging in outright theft from ratepayers to channel funds into their own private pork-barrel projects. The net result is that Porkland has one of the highest rates for water and sewer services in the nation - it's way more expensive than, say, Las Vegas or Phoenix, and we know how much rain and snow falls in those areas.
Rates here have increased 70% in the past six years alone, with no end in sight, and now the Porkland Water Bureau is shocked, shocked, to have to inform residents of a growing trend: water rustling.
Forget gas siphoning—there's a new wave of scofflaws hosing off another valuable resource: your water.
The Portland Water Bureau issued a warning Wednesday warning of the dangers of exposed exterior water spigots. It says the culprits are usually squatters and adds senior citizens are often targets.
Their recommendation: buy locking caps for outdoor hose bibs, which they helpfully note can be purchased at many home improvement stores. Of course, had their incompetent "management" of this abundant resource not not resulted in residents paying the fifth-highest rates in the nation, this wouldn't be an issue. And naturally, their "solution" is to advise residents to incur additional expenses associated with purchasing and installing locking caps for their water outlets.
Oh, crud! I lost the key to my faucet!
"Hello, NSA? Can you tell me where I left my key?"