U.S.—Presidential candidate Senator Elizabeth Warren has announced a plan to fight disinformation online. She has also announced the main target of this effort: “satire” site The Babylon Bee, one of the main perpetrators of fake news.
“When I am president,” Warren told the press, “I immediately will initiate Order 66 and send an elite task force to hunt down and end all disinformation.” Many confused Boomers are expected to end up in prison from this, but Warren explained that the main targets will be the writers of The Babylon Bee, who are to be hunted down and tried for high to medium treason.
The Babylon Bee in the past has written a number of stories about Warren, including her attacking her Senate colleagues with a tomahawk, her dressing up as a student loan fairy, and her claiming she lost her teaching job when her mustache fell off, revealing she’s a woman. Some of these have been disproven by Snopes. “This isn’t about one website, though,” Warren explained. “This is about making sure that there are no lies on the internet -- especially about me. There will be exceptions, though, for politicians, as sometimes we make mistakes -- like that whole Native American thing.”
The Babylon Bee is not backing down, though, and has announced it will continue to “write entertaining satire from a Christian viewpoint” and will “never be taken alive.”
In other news...
LONDON—In response to a recent outbreak in fistfights, London mayor Sadiq Khan announced Monday a sweeping ban of hands in the city, effective immediately.
“No excuses: there is never a reason to have hands in a modern, civil society. Anyone who does will be caught, and they will feel the full force of the law,” Khan said at a press conference announcing the new policy during which he revealed that he has had his own hands surgically removed as a good-faith move to jump-start the new regulations.
Along with the new hand-control measures, Khan announced a new task force focused on purging the city of hands, as well as an expanded police presence focused on stopping and searching citizens who they think may have failed to have their hands removed from their person.
At publishing time, rumors were swirling that the mayor was planning on banning feet after two handless men got into a quarrel and began kicking each other.