WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to anonymous sources, local liberal man Penn Millikers proposed to his girlfriend but has refused to reveal his position on adultery until after the wedding is over. The staunch Democrat said he wants the woman to marry him but won't reveal his position on adultery until the marriage is finalized. "Listen, I love you, babe, but you don't deserve to know what I think about adultery until you say 'I do,'" he told her during a romantic dinner just after he proposed.
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PORTLAND, OR—In an effort to prevent the reelection of sitting President Donald Trump, Mayor Ted Wheeler is encouraging citizens to raze their city to the ground. They hope that by desolating the entire city and reducing it to nothing more than smoking heaps of ash, that Trump won’t stand a chance in 2020.
“This is a small price to pay, if it means getting literally Hitler out of office,” said Mayor Ted Wheeler pouring gasoline throughout the city. “Now burn those buildings down! Burn them all!”
In response to the violence, the president has offered to send support to restore the peace to the city. Instead of giving Trump the political win he craves, Mayor Wheeler has come up with a solution of his own. “You can’t restore law and order to a city if there is no city left!”
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KENOSHA, WI—The aftermath of the riots are grim: dozens of fires were started, hundreds of buildings were burned down, and thousands of Trump voters were created over the past several days alone. From out-of-control riots in Seattle and Wisconsin to violence on the streets in Portland (or, as they call it, Wednesday), tons of property is being damaged, many are being harmed or killed, and, worst of all, new Trump voters are being created every minute.
Biden doesn't stand a chance.
And that's a good thing.
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SACRAMENTO, CA—While many Californians are growing increasingly worried about the wildfires spreading throughout the state, Governor Gavin Newsom assured everyone that the fires are actually "mostly peaceful."
"The fires are mostly peaceful, mostly calm -- nothing to worry about," Newsom said as the fires burned through thousands of acres of forest behind him. "They are peaceful infernos and will definitely not burn your house down or anything. We're fine here, everything's fine here. How are you?"
Newsom also pointed out that fires were here before humans, and so in a way, we stole the land from fires, and the indigenous infernos are just taking the reparations they are due.
Yes, it's from Babylon Bee, but completely believable.
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CHARLESTON, SC—A Black Lives Matter protest in South Carolina started to get out of hand, with people screaming at police officers stationed nearby. It threatened to get violent until the protestors paused after noticing they were all white. The protestors insisted they had some black people with them earlier, but it appeared that they had all left when the protest started to get out of hand. “It’s possible they had jobs,” suggested one protestor.
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SACRAMENTO, CA—To prepare for the upcoming November election, Governor Gavin Newsom has ordered ballots to be sent to every cemetery in the state. The governor of California said that ballot boxes would be sent to cemeteries across the state to ensure everyone had the right to vote, dead or alive.
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U.S.—The climate crisis has been getting worse, despite liberal elites' best efforts to fly all over the country in their private jets lecturing everybody about it. There seemed to be no end in sight until a new tech startup, Hypocri-Fuel, introduced a private jet that runs on liberal hypocrisy.
"We just hook this bad boy up to Leo DiCaprio, Al Gore, Justin Trudeau, or any other of the thousands of progressive elites who refuse to change their lifestyles to match their beliefs, and presto -- plenty of fuel to go around," said the startup's CEO, Gus Perder. "One fuel-up can power a jet for over a year."
This development is long overdue. Unfortunately, the technology has not yet demonstrated commercial viability.
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SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Newsom has declared California a coronavirus-free zone, instantly eradicating any threat of coronavirus infecting anyone in the state.
The executive action makes any possession of coronavirus a state felony.
"When you declare something illegal, it is instantly gone forever," Newsom said solemnly. "That's why I'm taking immediate executive action to declare the possession of coronavirus a felony at the state level. Top scientists all agree that the best way to get rid of something is to ban it."
"That oughtta do it."
After learning that the virus infects humans, Newsom also banned all humans from the state of California. Luckily, the politicians in Sacramento were not affected.
Decisive action! Strong leadership!
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