MaxRedline

A Crappy Outcome

A 72 year-old man died from a cardiac arrest when he tried to push his poop out too hard. The incident happened last Tuesday (7th January) when the old man was suffering from constipation. He had not had any bowel movements for three days and decided to go to the toilet one night.

However, while trying to defecate, he suddenly became unconscious and collapsed. He was then rushed to the hospital where he was pronounced dead.

Doctors explained that the man had exerted excessive force while he was defecating, which led to a cardiac arrest leading to death.

Basically, what we have here is a guy who literally shit himself to death. What will they think of next?

 

Legalities

A classic "gotcha" attempt by the city of Seattle blows up in their faces:

SEATTLE — The advertisement that grabbed Thom Kroon's attention marketed a no-longer-used fire station as a "unique residential dwelling.”

So Kroon purchased the property from the City of Seattle in a 2012 auction.

Naturally, the city sued him, claiming that the structure must be used as a firehouse. After, of course, Kroon had expended several thousand dollars to modify the interior to render it more homey. Surprisingly, the city lost.

Chalk one up for the little guy!

And then there's something even weirder out of the Midwest:

DES MOINES, Iowa – A Kansas man asked an Iowa court to grant his motion for trial by combat, so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney "on the field of battle where (he) will rend their souls from their corporal bodies."

"To this day, trial by combat has never been explicitly banned or restricted as a right in these United States," Ostrom argued.

The judge has yet to rule on the request.

Yes, Ostrom wants to use swords in the combat scenario. It's certainly odd, but it's apparently legal. The ultimate ruling by the judge should prove most interesting.

 

 

They're Getting Crafty, Sort Of

A San Jose couple returned to their home near Branham Lane Thursday night to discover that someone had been in their backyard — apparently to steal water.

What Lori Kamal and her husband discovered was a series of connected hoses running from their backyard for about a half mile, in the direction of an encampment.

"There were some homeless that pulled water by using their water hose," she said. "They pulled it up the creek for a half mile, extracting water from our residence."

That's a lot of hoses, to cover that kind of distance....

 

The Tumbling Tumbleweed

BENTON COUNTY, Wash. -- Hundreds of tumbleweed have forced a closure of SR 240 at milepost 10.

Washington Department of Transportation is on scene trying to remove the debris from the road.

WSDOT says 12 miles of the highway are closed because of the tumbleweed.

In some parts of the highway, the weeds buried cars and stalled semis, reaching heights of 15 feet. Crews worked for ten hours to clear the road, using front-end loaders in addition to hand-clearing.

 

Cops

Utah Oddness:

(CNN)When Jeanne Souron-Mathers died in November, police in Tooele, Utah, were startled to find the body of her husband Paul in a chest freezer at the couple's home. That wasn't all. Police also discovered a notarized letter from Paul stating that his wife was not responsible for his death, according to a search warrant unsealed this week.

They think that Paul died a decade ago and acted to ensure that his benefit checks - estimated to total around $177,000 - would continue to arrive.

It'll be interesting to see how this situation is resolved.

Illinois Abnormal:

BLOOMINGTON (WEEK) -- The Normal police officer accused of stealing $12,000 from a victim of a drug overdose has pleaded not guilty to all charges Friday.

Brian Williams is charged with two theft charges and two charges of official misconduct, all felonies. The 18-year veteran of the department was placed on administrative leave following the arrest.

Williams was one of the responding officers on November 25 for checking the well being of a person who potentially overdosed.

The person did die of the overdose, but a family member contacted police to report the missing $12,000 when the officers left the residence.

ISP fingered the cop, and recorded him dropping off a bag'o'loot. Normal is a city abutting Bloomington, Illinois. But it seems there's little Normal about this cop....

 

 

Give Her Points For Creativity...

A 22 year-old sweetie got married and now wants out, but she doesn't have much cash. So she'd apparently like to (ahem...) spread her payments to a good divorce lawyer. Sort of a barter, apparently. She ran an ad on the New York City version of Craigslist, which doubtless many young lawyers out there pore through regularly: "New York Damsel In Need Of A Divorce".

I'm a young 22 year old girl who made a mistake and married someone I thought I loved. He used me to get a green card and I need to get out of this!

I know nothing about the process of divorce and I don't have much money. I'm young and attractive...maybe we can work something out?

Please email me your resume and law practice. I prefer someone with a good reputation and lots of experience.

Presumably, she cleverly pasted some white dots in strategic places so that she couldn't be identified via her tattoos. Yeah, that'll do the trick!

Obviously, she's got class; she's a "damsel", after all.

 

The Eye Of Sauron

Yes, it's a real thing, but rare among humans.

However, those who have the condition don't get to be a Dark Lord. On the other hand, their stares don't land them in a kangaroo court, these days. Not that long ago, they'd have faced summary execution.

 

Fridays With Florida Man

Last week was full of surprises down there, as guys vied to see who gains the weekly Florida Man crown:

Already on probation? No problem.

Latravia McGill, 37, was arrested about 1:50 a.m. Monday morning and accused of breaking into the probation office at 665 Beville Road. He was being held without bail at the Volusia County Branch Jail. First, what's there to steal in a probation office? And second, why are these folks attracted to dumb-ass names. Third, the demographic makes up 13% of the U.S. population, their unemployment rates are at historic lows, yet they account for roughly 80% of the population behind bars. Do they have some bizarre attraction to criminal activity, or what?

Anyway...

A Florida woman allegedly bit her boyfriend’s penis and threatened him with a knife after she accused him of wanting to have sex with another woman, a report said.

Maybe she's trying to establish a Florida Woman category. But hey - she's single, guys!

This guy told cops he was speeding home because he'd been cheating on his wife. Jon Earl Pickard was doing 90 in a 55 trying to get home in time to keep his wife from suspecting anything, and police found $50 of crack in his pocket.

And this guy was just hungry, but apparently didn't want to make a mess:

“He came in with pants on but he rode off on his bike without pants. I’m not sure if he took his pants with him but we still don't know where his pants are.”

 

It's Evidently Mating Season For Cessnas In San Antonio

At least no people were hurt.

 

Florida Man, Again

FORT PIERCE — A 37-year-old man had an unusual explanation for a bag of cocaine that Fort Pierce police reported finding in his car.

“(He) stated that the police or the wind must have placed it there,” an arrest affidavit states. The affidavit did not list the wind speed or other meteorological conditions at the time.

For some reason, the guy's in jail now. Police must not have bought his story.