MaxRedline

Ah, Nature!

55 year-old Diana Bober went missing in late August while hiking on a trail on Mount Hood. Her body was found two days ago at the bottom of a 200-foot ravine.

Craig Roberts, Clackamas County sheriff, made the surprising announcement at a press conference later in the day that Bober was likely killed by a wild cougar, also known as a mountain lion or puma. "I want to tell you Diana Bober's autopsy was today, it was determined she died of an apparent animal attack," he explained. "Her injuries are indicative of what experts say was probably a cougar. We're waiting for final confirmation of what type of animal was responsible for this attack."

Assuming that it's confirmed, this would be the first case of a fatal cougar attack on a human in the recorded history of the state of Oregon. Presumably, the empty wine bottles and lingering scent of cheap perfume gave her away.

In other animal news:

Few of us have ever had the courage to go through with it, though: to steal a monkey. And that may well be for the best. Because a 23-year-old New Zealander named John Casford almost died trying.

John admits he was "high as a kite" when he bypassed an unsecured gate, broke through two padlocks and entered the monkey enclosure at Wellington Zoo. He had it in his mind that he was going to catch one of the zoo's squirrel monkeys—a canopy-dwelling species from the Central and South Americas—and take it home to his girlfriend. The squirrel monkeys had other ideas.

John ended up with a broken leg, two fractured teeth, a sprained ankle, and bruises on his back.

He now realizes that his attempted monkey heist was ultimately foiled by the fact that monkeys are not, as it turns out, just hairy little children with tails. They are savage acrobats that will beat the living piss out of anyone who wanders into their territory unannounced.

As if that wasn't enough, he's been sentenced to two years and seven months in prison.

Squirrel monkeys are an endangered species that typically grow to around 35 centimetres and weigh no more 1100 grams. They have the largest brain-to-body mass ratio of all the primates, live together in polygamous mating systems, and have been described as "small, nervous primates".

John found out just how nervous they can be. His girlfriend may want to reconsider her prospects.

 

USPS

A few years back, they actually published an article on how to ship a hippo:

Hippos

You'll need:

• 1,000-gallon tank per hippo
• 1,000 gallons of water
• Crane
• 1-pound sedative
• Soothing hippo music
• 2 Aspirin (for you)

How to pack:

1. Fill your tank with 800 gallons of water. Start yesterday. Remember, a medium-sized hippo takes up at least 200 gallons. (Just out of curiosity, why do you have a hippo, anyway?)

2. Apply sedative. Take two Aspirin.

3. Hold it, hold it - put the hippo in the tank, first. Start with soothing hippo music, followed by a large winch and crane.

4. Now go relax in a hot bath before the forklift arrives.

WAIVER: We in no way advocate moving a hippo or any animal without the express advice and consent of your local vet or zoo keeper. If you'd like advice from a veterinarian on moving with pets click here .

Um. Interesting. Not the way I'd do it. I've shipped a fair number of large animals in my time, and with a hippo, ditch the tank scenario - it's not going to work. Get them used to entering the crate, where they get food, water, and treats. Once they're comfortable, which will take a week or two, load it into a semi and send it on its way. Ideally, you ride in there with it to provide more food, water, and treats as well as the comfort of your presence.

No crane or winch needed. And under no circumstances, whether it be any sort of megaherbivore, do you sedate the animal; that's asking for trouble, and I have refused to agree to it for that very reason. It's best to deal with a lucid animal, especially when it's bigger than you are.

 

Critters 'N' Brits

Over the years, a lot of staff have died in British safari parks, and several owners have been seriously injured as well. This is because Brits seem to have a remarkable case of overconfidence which, coupled with a general lack of knowledge regarding animal behavior, causes them to stroll into enclosures containing wild animals rather than first calling them up into holding units. The latest case in point, which occurred yesterday:

THIS is the British safari park owner who was savaged by a huge male lion after entering its enclosure in front of horrified onlookers. Distressing footage shows Mike Hodge being attacked by the big cat yesterday at the Makarele Predator Centre in Thabazimbi, South Africa. The Brit, who relocated from the UK with his wife Chrissy in 2003, is currently in hospital and is said to have sustained neck and jaw injuries.

Yes, quite. Well, that'll happen, old chap, as adult lions generally go for the head and neck. In the words of a friend of the park owner:

"He is no fool around lions and knows how to interact with them but clearly something went wrong" she said. Um...what went wrong is that he was a fool for entering the enclosure without first relocating the animal.

It's a Brit thing.

But being raised around animals does seem to bring certain benefits:

New research offers evidence for a claim made regularly by country music singers: Growing up with a little dirt under his nails may make a country boy a little shy. But compared to a born-and-bred city slicker, that country boy will grow up to be a stronger, healthier and more laid-back man.

The finding strengthens the suspicion that growing up in sanitized urban environments is making many of us more fragile when it comes to warding off certain diseases.

Basically, hygiene theory postulates that dirt's good, cows and horses are good, and a whole lot of other things that you don't encounter when being raised in an apartment in the city are good - because they condition developing immune systems to respond appropriately rather than going into overdrive.

And a Danish study published a couple of years ago, following nearly 3 million people, concluded that those born in densely-populated areas have a higher risk of developing schizophrenia, bipolar disorder,  and autism than their counterparts in rural areas. In fact, birth in an urban environment is associated with an increased risk for mental illness in general and for a broad range of specific psychiatric disorders.

When you consider that here in the USA, most leftists are in the big cities, they may be onto something. And around here, leftists claim that we need more density, more condo and apartment bunkers. They're sort of clamoring for more mental health issues, it seems.

 

 

 

Trail Tip: Don't Run.

Brett Larsen, 50, and his wife Lulu Shi, 39, had a terrifying 'once in a lifetime experience' on their honeymoon safari in the Kruger National Park, South Africa.

A bull elephant decided to charge them and their guides. Safari guide Dean Oellofse stopped that nonsense by not panicking; instead, he made himself appear larger by holding up his hand and yelling "Whoa" at the animal. That often works surprisingly well.

Mr Larsen said the elephant tried coming at them a total of three times, and every time, Mr Oellofse's calm and firm communication with the animal made it rethink.

Notice that the ears go back, then the animal throws some sand on his back, and walks away.

Ears extended, as seen in the first image, is an aggressive posture, but when the guide stayed put, the bull was flummoxed. That happens with elephants; when they can't figure things out, they tend to stand down. I've often said that when you get one to the point of wondering how you knew what it was going to do before it knew what it was going to do, you've got it - that elephant won't mess with you.

I once dealt with one at a zoo where officials were considering housing the cow by herself, because she attacked people for no apparent reason. That was a bad idea, because as she was very socially-oriented (with other elephants) it would have amounted to psychological torture. So I watched her for a while, and formulated an approach to break her habit of attacking. It was easy.

 

Oregon Zoo's Latest Attraction

Is a rock-climbing wall. Because, you know, they're all about quality animal care and conservation, and rock-climbing is really an important part of that.

Sort of like the amplified concerts they hold ever other night all summer long; concerts don't bother the animals, you know. These folks are "professionals".

More idiocy from that place.

 

Vigils

It was a weekend for vigils, by the look of things:

Animal "rights" group "IDA" mustered up around a dozen stern protesters yesterday in order to take advantage of the first anniversary of the euthanasia of Packy the Wonder Dog. Hey, free publicity! Okay, Packy was a 54 year-old Asian elephant that was born at Portland Zoological Gardens/Washington Park Zoo/Metro Washington Park Zoo/Oregon Zoo, not a Wonder Dog - that's just how I thought of him. He was euthanized because he mysteriously came down with tuberculosis and didn't respond to treatment. He lived his entire life at the zoo, so how he, staff, volunteers, and other elephants became infected remains officially a mystery, although I have a pretty good idea regarding how that happened.

The turnout was YUUGE - at least by that bunch's standards. The zoo, of course, published a surprisingly well-done piece, given the source.

But when it comes to vigils, the folks in Minneapolis really showed the little animal-rights group in Portland how it's done: they turned out 100 people Friday night  for a candle-light vigil - in the snow - to  remember their Arby's sign. The fast-food joint there has closed, and the sign's coming down. I reckon it makes as much sense as "protesting" the euthanization of an elephant that happened a year ago, and it drew a lot more participants.

 

London Zoo Was Burning Down,

It took 72 firefighters more than three hours to bring the fire under control, after it broke out in the Animal Adventure cafe and spread quickly to an adjacent shop.

Doubtless, 70 firefighters had to stop for tea-time. When I was there, they had meerkats running around in the bottom of a moat in front of their elephant yard. Evidently, they changed that setup over the ensuing years, which would have been a good thing if they'd done it correctly.

 

It's All About The Animals

If you have $75 to blow, it'll buy you 30 minutes of quality time with a zoo administrator two-toed sloth at the Oregon Zoo in Portland. How cool is that? Screw that antiquated idea of the animals coming first; there's money to be made!

Years ago, zoo staff checked on animals as soon as they arrived. Today, they make breakfast, update Facebook, check email...it might be an hour and a half before they bother with looking in on the animals. Having infected the elephants there with tuberculosis, along with several staff and at least one volunteer, they're now doubling down on their policy of allowing people with no medical screening to interact with animals - as long as they have the cash.

The animals are by no means at the top of their list of important stuff.

 

Pronghorn

Often referred to as antelope, they aren't.

They're remnants of the Pleistocene era, and unique to North America. They're capable of running at 45 mph for miles at a time, although they can hit 60 mph for short bursts.

This is why you don't see them in zoos; adapted to the wide-open range, they'll break their necks in zoo facilities as they run into walls and other structures. When you visit Hart Mountain National Antelope Refuge in southeastern Oregon, you're not looking at antelope at all, but something much more ancient.

Stumptown Scud

Apparently unique to the Portland area waterways - which given the amount of pollution in the waters around the "Green&Sustainable" city is something of a feat in itself. As the old adage goes, "even a blind hog, in a forest of oaks, will uproot the occasional acorn." The same can be said for Oregon Zoo.